Forget to think about it..

I have just returned from an extremely boozy work trip where I was the host, I didn't drink and I enjoyed myself - this is a miracle in itself - I am almost 10 months sober and if i'm honest some days I forget to think about it

This fills me with two feelings, fear - I don't want to get complacent after all and I always insist on being hard on myself :-) an comfort - things can only get better the more I progress and increase the time under my belt

Feeling good
SB x

The younger me would never of believed it...

From the age of 15 I was extremely interested in making myself feel different, first it was speed, then it was pills which then led onto coke - alcohol was consistent throughout this. I was always the one to take the most pills and there was never enough coke, I never wanted to share my drugs - this led to insomnia at the end of the party when everyone else had given in and sloped off for sleep and I'm beginning to think this is where my abnormal drinking started.

I would hunt around for any alcohol and neck it in a desperate attempt to sleep - eventually sleep would come but I now realise I was just passing/blacking out - it didn't matter what the alcohol was, I just wanted oblivion - I would drink until I got it

At the time I didn't think about it, we were all doing it... but we weren't all doing it - I was always the last one standing

I had some contact yesterday from a friend who has found herself in the same predicament as me - she can't moderate and things are getting bad - this friend was with me at the start... I remember getting a train to Birmingham with her and a young Mum moved her kids away from us... we were young and extremely wired at the time - I look back at that now, as we sat together giddy with excitement for the drug fest that awaited us on that train, would we of believed it if someone had come over, tapped us on the shoulder and said 'hey girls, watch out.. in a few years you'll both be suffering with alcoholism' OF COURSE WE WOULDN'T HAVE!

And it wouldn't of stopped us either

Feeling extremely reflective and a little bit sad

SB xx

I was drinking this time last year

It feels crazy to think that as the drinking me feels like a long time ago now.

When I made the decision to start drinking again last Summer I really believed I was doing the best thing, I thought my life and relationship would get better because of it - when drink was the reason it was in bits - the craziness of that is very scary.

My final spell of drinking ended in a disastrous trip to New York which I had ruined on the first class flight out there by drinking myself to my oblivion and struggling to get through passport control - my Husband told me the next morning that he couldn't do us anymore and he would try and get a flight home - this didn't happen but a week long of drinking did - we decided to split and on the flight home I sat completely miserable knowing it was too far this time

I drank for a time when we got back and then the straw that broke the camels back was when my Husband went away and then called me to try and make amends, and also to help me - but all he received when he called me was a very drunk me.. he must of been crushed - I need to remember this.. because what happened after I still can't explain

He called my Parents, and they saw me coming off a binge - something only he had witnessed in the past - they finally acknowledged I was an alcoholic - I was so ill and drinking mouthwash for the alcohol content in between throwing up - I felt once again like I was going to die

Then my Husband came back - and told me he wasn't going to leave me alone to deal with this - but this time had to be it

That was 9 months ago, and this is what is better

- My attitude
- My health
- I'm positive and looking forward
- My marriage is better than it has even been
- I am a good employee - a needed one
- I am a good friend
- I am a good daughter

I think I am working towards being the best version of me

Everything in my life improves and continues to improve without taking a drink - one day at a time

Grateful
SB x

Flashback

I was just thinking about my up and coming holiday to America and realised how my brain has started to train itself into more positive thinking when I think about drinking

Last year I'd be really struggling right about now, romanticising the shit out of the trip in my head and it was bound to be awful without drinking and how could I have fun?!

I just took a little trip down memory lane about how I used to feel when I was checking in at hotels, rough/tired and desperate for another drink - I'd wake up the next day hungover and the the same old hamster on the wheel routine would begin again - I don't want to feel like that whilst I am travelling around America... I'll report back on the differences when I'm back! Documenting this will be something to enjoy looking back on

SB xx

My heart goes out to you..

I collected my 9 month chip at my meeting last night, the longest I've made it sober.. it was a great feeling

The meeting and the shares last night took me back to what it felt like to be "new in" - there were newcomers there and the struggle was written all over their face's, I remember crying and shaking in meetings, not wanting to be there AT ALL... it makes me realise how far i've come, and I don't often realise this.

One thing that has stuck in my mind was them saying how sad they felt at not being able to drink again, I used to feel like that - but for me, acceptance has always been the hard part and still is - will I ever truly accept that i'm an alcoholic? Probably not... who knows?

When the sobriety chip part of the meeting commenced I felt very grateful when it got to the 24 hours chip, I know that I never want to go back there - and this is real from the real authentic me

SB xx

New chip!

Its official! I've made it past my last sobriety date, tonight I get to collect a chip I haven't had before - my 9 months

I feel grateful, I feel useful, I feel healthy, I feel guilt free ... actually that's a key word at the moment, I feel FREE

SB x

A blog when I was planning my next drink..scary

..... I would want more and more and I wouldn't stop.. or have I learned my lesson and now after nearly 7 months of sobriety I can control my drinking because I have abstained for so long?

Who knows the truth to any of this? I do know however that it probably isn't worth the risk trying to find out

I've had a few comments recently, not pressure but leading down the lines of... maybe you'll be alright now, maybe it wasn't that bad - the majority of my drinking was done in private however so how would they know?

Day 207

xx