From the age of 15 I was extremely interested in making myself feel different, first it was speed, then it was pills which then led onto coke - alcohol was consistent throughout this. I was always the one to take the most pills and there was never enough coke, I never wanted to share my drugs - this led to insomnia at the end of the party when everyone else had given in and sloped off for sleep and I'm beginning to think this is where my abnormal drinking started.
I would hunt around for any alcohol and neck it in a desperate attempt to sleep - eventually sleep would come but I now realise I was just passing/blacking out - it didn't matter what the alcohol was, I just wanted oblivion - I would drink until I got it
At the time I didn't think about it, we were all doing it... but we weren't all doing it - I was always the last one standing
I had some contact yesterday from a friend who has found herself in the same predicament as me - she can't moderate and things are getting bad - this friend was with me at the start... I remember getting a train to Birmingham with her and a young Mum moved her kids away from us... we were young and extremely wired at the time - I look back at that now, as we sat together giddy with excitement for the drug fest that awaited us on that train, would we of believed it if someone had come over, tapped us on the shoulder and said 'hey girls, watch out.. in a few years you'll both be suffering with alcoholism' OF COURSE WE WOULDN'T HAVE!
And it wouldn't of stopped us either
Feeling extremely reflective and a little bit sad
SB xx
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