Forget to think about it..

I have just returned from an extremely boozy work trip where I was the host, I didn't drink and I enjoyed myself - this is a miracle in itself - I am almost 10 months sober and if i'm honest some days I forget to think about it

This fills me with two feelings, fear - I don't want to get complacent after all and I always insist on being hard on myself :-) an comfort - things can only get better the more I progress and increase the time under my belt

Feeling good
SB x

The younger me would never of believed it...

From the age of 15 I was extremely interested in making myself feel different, first it was speed, then it was pills which then led onto coke - alcohol was consistent throughout this. I was always the one to take the most pills and there was never enough coke, I never wanted to share my drugs - this led to insomnia at the end of the party when everyone else had given in and sloped off for sleep and I'm beginning to think this is where my abnormal drinking started.

I would hunt around for any alcohol and neck it in a desperate attempt to sleep - eventually sleep would come but I now realise I was just passing/blacking out - it didn't matter what the alcohol was, I just wanted oblivion - I would drink until I got it

At the time I didn't think about it, we were all doing it... but we weren't all doing it - I was always the last one standing

I had some contact yesterday from a friend who has found herself in the same predicament as me - she can't moderate and things are getting bad - this friend was with me at the start... I remember getting a train to Birmingham with her and a young Mum moved her kids away from us... we were young and extremely wired at the time - I look back at that now, as we sat together giddy with excitement for the drug fest that awaited us on that train, would we of believed it if someone had come over, tapped us on the shoulder and said 'hey girls, watch out.. in a few years you'll both be suffering with alcoholism' OF COURSE WE WOULDN'T HAVE!

And it wouldn't of stopped us either

Feeling extremely reflective and a little bit sad

SB xx

I was drinking this time last year

It feels crazy to think that as the drinking me feels like a long time ago now.

When I made the decision to start drinking again last Summer I really believed I was doing the best thing, I thought my life and relationship would get better because of it - when drink was the reason it was in bits - the craziness of that is very scary.

My final spell of drinking ended in a disastrous trip to New York which I had ruined on the first class flight out there by drinking myself to my oblivion and struggling to get through passport control - my Husband told me the next morning that he couldn't do us anymore and he would try and get a flight home - this didn't happen but a week long of drinking did - we decided to split and on the flight home I sat completely miserable knowing it was too far this time

I drank for a time when we got back and then the straw that broke the camels back was when my Husband went away and then called me to try and make amends, and also to help me - but all he received when he called me was a very drunk me.. he must of been crushed - I need to remember this.. because what happened after I still can't explain

He called my Parents, and they saw me coming off a binge - something only he had witnessed in the past - they finally acknowledged I was an alcoholic - I was so ill and drinking mouthwash for the alcohol content in between throwing up - I felt once again like I was going to die

Then my Husband came back - and told me he wasn't going to leave me alone to deal with this - but this time had to be it

That was 9 months ago, and this is what is better

- My attitude
- My health
- I'm positive and looking forward
- My marriage is better than it has even been
- I am a good employee - a needed one
- I am a good friend
- I am a good daughter

I think I am working towards being the best version of me

Everything in my life improves and continues to improve without taking a drink - one day at a time

Grateful
SB x

Flashback

I was just thinking about my up and coming holiday to America and realised how my brain has started to train itself into more positive thinking when I think about drinking

Last year I'd be really struggling right about now, romanticising the shit out of the trip in my head and it was bound to be awful without drinking and how could I have fun?!

I just took a little trip down memory lane about how I used to feel when I was checking in at hotels, rough/tired and desperate for another drink - I'd wake up the next day hungover and the the same old hamster on the wheel routine would begin again - I don't want to feel like that whilst I am travelling around America... I'll report back on the differences when I'm back! Documenting this will be something to enjoy looking back on

SB xx

My heart goes out to you..

I collected my 9 month chip at my meeting last night, the longest I've made it sober.. it was a great feeling

The meeting and the shares last night took me back to what it felt like to be "new in" - there were newcomers there and the struggle was written all over their face's, I remember crying and shaking in meetings, not wanting to be there AT ALL... it makes me realise how far i've come, and I don't often realise this.

One thing that has stuck in my mind was them saying how sad they felt at not being able to drink again, I used to feel like that - but for me, acceptance has always been the hard part and still is - will I ever truly accept that i'm an alcoholic? Probably not... who knows?

When the sobriety chip part of the meeting commenced I felt very grateful when it got to the 24 hours chip, I know that I never want to go back there - and this is real from the real authentic me

SB xx

New chip!

Its official! I've made it past my last sobriety date, tonight I get to collect a chip I haven't had before - my 9 months

I feel grateful, I feel useful, I feel healthy, I feel guilt free ... actually that's a key word at the moment, I feel FREE

SB x

A blog when I was planning my next drink..scary

..... I would want more and more and I wouldn't stop.. or have I learned my lesson and now after nearly 7 months of sobriety I can control my drinking because I have abstained for so long?

Who knows the truth to any of this? I do know however that it probably isn't worth the risk trying to find out

I've had a few comments recently, not pressure but leading down the lines of... maybe you'll be alright now, maybe it wasn't that bad - the majority of my drinking was done in private however so how would they know?

Day 207

xx

A little reminder... The Pursuit for Happiness

I think if i'm honest this is what it boils down too. Yes my marriage isn't in a very good state, but neither am I.

It doesn't matter to my Husband if I drink or not.. he isn't a massive drinker and doesn't drink at home - what does matter to my Husband is that I am OK to be around... and I don't think I am... as I haven't found happiness in my sobriety. Yet.

5 months in and it's tough - however I know it would be tougher if I was on the piss.

I can't have everything I want... but I have a lot to be grateful for. So thats what I'm going to focus on for now, being grateful and try and find some happiness - happiness in a new life that I don't recognise - its amazing how something can consume you, more than you ever thought possible.

I know a big part of my default is feeling sorry for myself, and there isn't a place for that now - I need to dig deep and work hard at this.

SB xx

A little reminder.. clinging onto my marriage by my finger tips!

Wow... 2 years ago :-/

First day on here today, hoping this is the start of abstinence. I've been to AA before but didn't find it a help, I was even more depressed... My issue is that when I start to drink I can't stop, I'm a terrible binge drinker and suffer so bad with the hangover the next day the only option I can come too is to drink again. I moderate drink for a while and do OK but I manage to mess up again. I think now the only option is to stop drinking altogether. This has been an issue since I was a teenager... I'm bored of it now! The feeling of anxiety as I can't remember what I've done or said after a binge is too much to bear! I'm 36 now and want to move on with my life, with my husband hopefully in it!

A little reminder.. I'm better but my marriage isn't there yet

So, the relationship I am in is one with two very different people - I need to talk through things my Husband doesn't like too

I am sober but it doesn't mean that the damage is undone, he loves me but wants to get the 'proper love' back.. I managed to get this out of him yesterday.. I am trying to not be needy and keep asking for reassurance but this is hard... because I am worried he finds me boring now I don't drink. However he might be the boring one as he generally likes to spend his time in the pub, watching football and betting.

I don't find this boring about him by the way, I don't mind - I like us doing our own things - he hates the stuff I love to watch on TV.. I know this is normal in relationships - I just feel very unwanted at the moment...

I know from what I have learnt over the past 6 months that alcoholism is a very selfish and 'me me me' problem, when I hear myself seeking reassurance I am mindful of the fact that this is probably just another symptom..

Ugh.. I don't know - I just want to move on with my life.

I think now looking back putting down the drink was the easy part, it's dealing with life without any means of an out or oblivion.. when my Husband sinks 10 pints on a Saturday - thats his oblivion... it only adds to the problem as I then don't want him anywhere near me... intimate stinking of drink? No thanks.

I love him with all my heart but I've said all my sorries and if he doesn't think this relationship is worth pursuing i'd rather know now. I'm not getting any younger!

This blog isn't me sitting on my my pitty pot, I just need to get it out there - other than that day 203 ain't so bad!

SB xx

What is the cost of drinking too much?

I've been thinking about this a lot - I think there is a big difference between problem drinking and alcoholism however does the problem lead there eventually?

When I was drinking I was in the room but not really alive, I couldn't commit to anything as I never knew how bad my hangover was going to be - in the later years of my drinking I would rather stay home alone with a bottle - I can remember my Husband being away and I had made plans to spend the Saturday with the girls.. I ended up drinking so much on the Friday and sneaking down to drink the left over wine on the Saturday morning that it was game over on that weekend - I drew the curtains and drank to oblivion all day. Alone - what an existence

I was also not in the room when it came to work - would someone realise how hungover I was? Could they smell the alcohol.. and that's if I even made it to work

Today? It is so different
Today I turned up to work and chaired a sales meeting, followed by the paper coming in to interview me and find out about the business I run - I look fresh and i'm well rested - I am here, really here and I never want to lose this way of life

SB x

A little reminder - Day 1 thoughts

I've been recording elsewhere up until my decision to write this blog... I'll add the bits I think are interesting!

So, who knows what goes on in the mind of an alcoholic when they decide after 8 months sober that it would be a good idea to pick up the drink again - it definitely wasn't a good idea and I am finally understanding why there is the belief that dealing with this issue is extremely progressive.

Few binges later and a disaster of a holiday here I am again - few changes afoot however from the last time

1. I have sought help from an individual from AA instead of just going to the one meeting a week and not really getting involved I am now determined to learn about the 12 steps and hopefully get a sponsor

2. My Husband has decided to change his lifestyle to help support me

3. I have been honest with my parents

Determined to take it one day at a time - I can also recommend Russell Brands Recovery Book - i'm only one chapter in but his explanation of the steps is excellent so far.

I definitely can't do this on my own.

Monday no blues

Monday... this used to be the most dreaded day of my week and not for the normal reasons that others dread Monday, oh no - today was the day i'd be 1. hanging and 2. unable to drink anymore to make myself feel better

Sundays would often be argument filled, i'd often end up sleeping in the spare room after drinking my way through the day - sometimes in secret and sometimes not so secret - I would listen to depressing heartrending music or watch weepy films - feeling sorry for myself anyway and determined to make myself even sadder.. by the time the alarm went off the saddness was off the scale

I often wonder how I got away with Mondays - sometimes I didn't make it in, and that would follow with several more days off, trying to make it look more convincing.. what I do know now though is that I never want to go back there - that was an awful time I it was repeat to fade all to often

I don't like Mondays now for the normal reasons, back to work and no lie in! It's nice to be normal

Here is to a good week of hangover free mornings!

SB x

Going sober

I have been considering blogging for quite some time, but unsure really - who would want to read my rants and wittering's! BUT then it dawned on me, I get so much from reading about other peoples experiences, maybe someone out there might find what I've got to say of some help and maybe I could form some online friendships that will help me.

A little about me,

I am 38 years old, married with one amazing dog! and I am going sober again.. yes, I've tried before.. well properly tried - but last year I convinced myself after 8 months off the pop that I'd be able to drink like a 'normal person' and it would definitely make my strained relationship better (oh yeah that happened) so off I went into what I refer to as an "almighty relapse" that lasted about 6 months - it nearly took my marriage and me with it so... I started again.

I'll keep writing
SB x